Hello to you and hello to March!
At the end of February, I put out an Ask Me Anything submission on Instagram with the intention of answering some of the questions here to have a little more space to yap. Thank you to everyone who contributed!
Do you ever panic when someone asks what your favorite book is?
Whenever I get asked that question, I can’t think of a single book I’ve ever read. The same for TV, movie, or favorite meal questions. Does this ever happen to you? I’m going to guess it’s a combination of ego (what would sound best?) and a fatigued brain that would rather store the 7th Heaven theme song over more important matters. Still, it’s one of my favorite conversations. I love to hear what books have made an impact on someone. For me it’s books like Oryx & Crake, Fates & Furies, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, The Book of Longings, The Covenant of Water, Wicked, The Heart’s Invisible Furies, and anything by Elizabeth Strout.
Is there a poem you’ve written that’s taken you most by surprise?
Every poem I’ve ever written has been a surprise. There are entire pages of my books I don’t remember writing or ever thinking about. It’s almost like I write with one eye open, one eye shut. I’ve heard this isn’t a unique experience. In How About Now, there’s a line I dream over and over and repeat under my breath without meaning to. It also happens to be my favorite line in the book. It reads: Lift your mouth to the horn / and call me back to you.
Do you sell prints of your poem, The Bridesmaids Speech?
What are your longer term plans for writing? More poetry? A novel? Memoir? Spell book?
I’ve had the same plan for writing since I was 8-years-old, which is to throw spaghetti at the wall and see what sticks. I’ve written entire novels, hundreds of poems, dozens of short stories, and many, many screenplays that have never made it past the first round of edits. I’m so used to failing that it has become a natural part of the process. I hope to never be so delusional to assume I could sit down and write anything well. Instead I hope to give the reader (if I’m lucky enough to have one) my best work, whatever form that takes. TLDR: I’d love to write another screenplay and poetry is something I’ve never deterred from. I know it will follow me home.
What are your thoughts on GLP1s?
I think it’s complicated, but mostly because the conversations around it are usually just a new flashy opportunity to assign morality to someone’s weight from folks who have never had the words obese or morbidly obese in their medical chart. I usually default to Katie Sturino on this topic because of her work in the fat community, and I co-sign her sentiment that your medication is your business (and your business only) and no matter your weight, the real work of body image is internal. A specific number on a scale is not and will never be the answer to self-love and wholeness.
Which of your poems do you hope your children will read one day?
I’m sure they’ve already snuck my books off the shelf and scanned them for bad words and sex. Lucky for them, I’m pretty chill on both of those topics. I do hope that someday they read the pieces I’ve written for and about them and know how deeply they’re loved.
Tips for dealing with extreme embarrassment with anything you write down?
Remembering it’s much more embarrassing to get to the end of your life only to realize fear kept you from doing anything at all.
Any encouragement for a first time author trying to get her words out into the world?
This is one of those good news/bad news situations. The bad news is that no one cares if you become a published author, so you have to care very much. That means withstanding failure, a bruised ego, and a bunch of tedious obstacles without throwing in the towel. The good news is that it’s never been easier to share your work, make connections, and get help. Join a writer’s community (Joy Sullivan has a great one!), query agents who represent your favorite authors who write in a similar genre, and check out the book Before & After the Book Deal by Courtney Maum.
What routines allow you to balance pursuing writing well and mother well?
Consistent and reliable childcare, boundaries in my work life and home life, and constantly reassessing what’s working and what’s not. It’s okay for something to work one month and not the next!
Are lit mag submissions important if I want to publish a poetry collection?
Lit magazines are great but not crucial for publishing a poetry collection.
How’s your health?
The trouble with sharing about health issues without naming them is that it starts to sound mysterious for the sake of being mysterious and I know that’s extremely annoying. The reason for a lack of details, however, is to protect my mental health. Even the most well-meaning Internet friend’s advice/experience/notes on what’s happening with my body has the opportunity to send me spiraling. For that reason, I have to keep things private for now, but I’m okay!
Are you excited about going on tour again?
It’s my favorite part!
Best sex advice you’ve ever received?
Everyone is responsible for their own orgasm. The phrase was originally used by Betty Dodson, author of Sex for One (a book published in 1987 about female masturbation) and contributor to The Joy of Sex. While out of context it might sound like it absolves partners of responsibility, its actual intent is to encourage women to take ownership of their pleasure rather than passively waiting for it to happen.
Women have been conditioned for so long to prioritize their partner’s pleasure over their own, leading to shame over expressing what they want. By taking responsibility for their own pleasure, women assert that they deserve it—just as much as their partners do. Of course this also means having a generous partner who is willing to communicate and listen.
What’s an article you can’t stop thinking about?
Back in January, Ellen Cushing wrote a piece for The Atlantic titled “Americans Need To Party More.” Most of it you already know. Americans are lonelier than ever, and the numbers prove it. Only 4.1 percent of Americans attended or hosted a social event on an average weekend or holiday in 2023. This is a 35% decrease since 2004. Cushing writes that we sit in our homes scrolling, waiting for an invitation that never comes. The problem is no one is coming to save us. The solution? Throw the damn party. It doesn’t need to be complicated or perfect. Send some texts. Order a pizza. Light some candles. It’s the portal to community which is scientifically proven to prolong our lifespans and improve our quality of life. Yes, community is inconvenient. It’s loud and messy. It’s extra dishes and awkward small talk and someone’s kid crying in the hallway. But it’s also how we survive. Humans weren’t meant to live alone.
Introvert or extrovert? Enneagram number?
Oldest child-INFP-Enneagram 4. To quote Nicole Kidman: “I’m a small party person, but I do love a rave.”
Most impactful thing poets can do for the resistance?
Probably the same thing anyone can do: Get offline. Get out into the real world, your real community, and ask— how can I help?
How to get back into writing poetry?
Oh, this is an easy one! Read it. Read it as much as you can. Check out poetry anthologies from the library, buy books from the poets you love, follow @poetryisnotaluxury on instagram so that it even shows up on your tiny screen. When you make reading poetry a habit, it becomes a second language.
Favorite song lyric of all time?
Not sure I could ever pick, but I do know I could kick down a door when The Highwomen sing the line, “tryin’ to get home just to feed the baby,” in Redesigning Women. I’ll never forget where I was when I heard it for the first time. Standing in my tiny kitchen making dinner with four young children, still deep into postpartum and trying to figure out how to be an (unexpected) mother of four, writer, and functioning human. I’d never heard a song address the experience of being out in the world as a mother and yes, needing to hurry home to feed the baby. The power in it. The tension of it! Even now, whenever I hear that chorus come on—immediate tears.
Things that have brought you joy recently?
Making the bed. Severance season two. My youngest missing his two front teeth. Spring’s first looks. Listening to my friends’ rambling Marco Polos or voice notes about what errands they’re running today. Our dog’s paw on my foot in desperation for me to share my snack.
What do you think is the most beautiful thing in the world?
Women sitting together laughing.
Thank you for reading! See you next month! In the meantime you can now pre-order How About Now from Bookshop or anywhere else books are sold.
God, I'm just so glad I got to be on the planet at the same time as you. I'll never stop shoving your poems into the palms of friends. Feels as urgent as tryin to get home just to feed the baby.
Kate Baer, I am so happy to have found you here. Reading all past newsletters is a balm for my soul. Thank you thank you thank you.